Almost
by zealously
Summary: Before he became an Animorph, Tobias was just a lonely boy searching for something that just wasn't there.


My name is Tobias.

Not that it would mean anything to you. I'm a nobody. An insignificant human being, tossed away like a scrap of used paper. I don't have many friends. I don't even have much family. Can a family be a family if they don't love you? Don't want you, don't care about you? And yet I've become as apathetic as they have, almost. I've accepted myself for who I am. Almost.

Chatter drowns the lunchroom in noise. I sit by myself, as usual, nibbling on a piece of day-old bread. Enough to dull my hunger but not my pain.

See, I never knew my parents. Stereotypical tragic childhood of some reject who goes on to become a great hero, right? All true, except for the hero part. I'm not a hero. Some people are. One of the big boys at school, Jake, he's one of them. The winners. The leaders. The kind who cast a shadow over me, the kind that go on to greatness. Me? I get passed around between relatives like a hot potato nobody wants to touch. But I'm not depressed. I'm not one of those emo kids that you see on the billboards with the hotline numbers. Like I said, I know who I am. Almost.

Someone tries to talk to me. Some kid I know from my biology class is asking me about the homework. I do my best to answer, but he gets frustrated and walks away. I'm not much of a social person, but you've probably already figured that out by now.

I'm not very bright, either. You'd think a kid like me with this much free time would at least devote some time to learning. It's not that I couldn't, it's that I choose not to. You'd feel the same if school was a daily hellhole for you. So what do I do with my time? I run around, sleep, live, breathe. It's a cycle that's fallen into comfortable routine over time. A routine that I've grown to become content with. Almost happy with. Almost.

And yet there are still certain rays of light glimmering in my world. I glance over at pretty Rachel sitting two tables right of me. No, not pretty. Beautiful. Both inside and outside, though of course I've never gone further than just saying hi to her. A guy like me just doesn't associate with her kind.

The bell rings and I stand up. A mass surging of students converge towards the hallways. I do my best not to be swept up in the crowds. I'm also dreading what comes next. My daily trip to the bathroom, a necessity if I don't want to relieve myself during class.

The people pass me by. The men's' bathroom door looms in front of me. I take a breath, and open the door. Walk in like everything's normal. But things aren't normal. Because he's there.

It starts out simple. A little push while I'm using the urinal. I slip, unable to catch myself, and collapse to the floor. The cool floor of the bathroom presses against my cheek. Above me, Brad laughs uncontrollably.

"Did you see that wimp? I didn't even push him that hard."

I grimace and get to my feet. Wet patches stick to my hair and clothing. I glare up at him with a look of both defiance and resignation. Of both challenge and surrender. Of both anger and sadness.

"You don't scare me."

It's a lie and we both know it. His eyes meet mine, and I catch a glimpse of his malice, his rage. But beneath that, was there a spark of...?

"You're all dirtied from that terrible fall. I'd better help you clean up."

He grabs a bunch of paper towels and runs them under the sink. I try to make for the door, but he blocks the exit with his huge torso. Before I can do anything, he soaks me in bathroom water.

"Ha ha ha! Don't you ever get tired of this game, Tobias?"

Like I said, this was routine. And routine was comforting. Almost.

I don't know what snapped that day. I don't know what drove me, after weeks of submission, to finally stand up. Sopping wet, I push him hard against the wall. Surprising strength drives my blow, but does little to actually budge Brad. But he is angered. I have done the unspeakable. I have stood up for my own decency. Tobias the wimp was finally taking a stand.

His eyes become narrow. "I'll teach you to shove me, you weakling!" I brace myself for the blows I knew would follow. Perhaps today just wasn't the day. Perhaps I would never be able to stand up to this giant of a tormentor.

And yet I was saved, despite all that. The bathroom door opens, and in walks Jake. You know, the one I was talking about earlier. Jock. Tough guy. Leader. He sees us. Sees my dripping figure. Sees Brad's narrowed eyes and readied fists. I am about to tell him to go back. Tell him this isn't his fight, isn't his responsibility.

He would've done it too. I could see the hesitation in his eyes. But he marches right up to Brad and stands there, almost like a barrier between me and him.

"You're a thug, Brad, nothing more than that. Leave Tobias alone."

I was surprised. Jake's cool, but he's not the kind to go around protecting people like me from bullies. He kind of rides his own high horse, in a way. Hangs around his own people. So why would he do this for me? Why today? What about the last couple of weeks? The nights I had spent sleepless, the days I had spent pale?

But Brad listens. He leaves. Jake turns towards me in a concerned, yet tough kind of way. I want to thank him for what he's done. But his face tells me no thanks are needed. We stare at each other in silence, in mutual alliance. Finally, he speaks.

"Look out for yourself, man. It's a tough world to be living in."

From then on, me and Jake were cool.

The rest of the day passes like a blur. I recall a faint conversation with Rachel in English class. Something insignificant, something about the weather. How beautiful it was today. Like her.

And then I was free from the responsibilities of school. Spontaneously, I decide to ditch the school bus. Life can wait.

Now I stand out on the meadow overlooking a wide plain. I know I have things to do. Time to waste. A needed phone call to Jake. But all I want right now, at this very moment, is to feel the luscious cool wind in my hair. As I gaze up at the cloudless sky above me, I realize something. I'm not happy with my life, no matter how hard I try to fool myself. I'm missing a vital piece. I wonder if I have found it today. I wonder if it fits into the puzzle of my life.

They say you never know despair until you have known happiness. And I am despairing, had been despairing for the last thirteen years, and never noticed it until now. But there is still a glimmer of hope. There always is. The wide expanse beckons to me, calls for me. I want to run. I want to escape. I want to be free.

I want to fly.


End file.
